We Have Heidi Montag's New Single

And it's STUNNING!

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File Under "Why the Hell is This Chick Famous?"

We were thinking about Maya Angelou earlier today, as we are wont to do when the weather is sultry and we are drinking wine. And it dawned on us that, yes, Maya may indeed know why the caged bird sings, but we still

HAVE NO IDEA WHY THIS CHICK IS FAMOUS!

OK, she is on MTV's The Hills, but that doesn't really help us. That crazy show is almost as confusing as the (air quotes here) "fame" of Heidi Montag herself. From what we gather, The Hills is about hollywood, white girls who have both unpaid internships and huge apartments, and the same white girls talking shit about their best friends. And shoes!

Not surprisingly, Heidi is gonna do what every F-List celebrity with a new pair of tits and a matching (i.e. outsize) sense of entitlement does: RECORD AN ALBUM. It's true. And it's gonna be slutty! According to wikipedia, it's going to be "very fun, fresh, sexy . . . the Pussycat Dolls-meets-Gwen Stefani, with a dose of Fergie" and a lot of her songs "will be very sexual." dUh!

Heidi M. also works with this charity for poor kids n' stuff:

Yes, the Bony Pony Ranch. According to their website, it's the personal project of a very humble and modest Los Angeles plastic surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan:

One million dollar Chili's gift card to the person who can correctly guess who filled Ms. Montag's upper half with silicone!

(Post Script: PARIS HILTON is on the board of this wacky celebri-tastical charity. Yikes...)

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