P. Tiddy, Boy Reporter: "I Was Tortured!"

Yeah yeah France was cool, blah blah blah.

But the whole trip was almost ruined by the 7 hours I spent locked in an ingenious and evil torture machine called the "trans-Atlantic flight" which seems benign enough until they flip down their little TV screens, pass out the exorbitantly expensive headphones, and force you to watch terrible movies. The kicker is that watching the movies is SO MUCH BETTER than talking to the guy next to you, who was obviously deported from Canada for being so incredibly annoying.

The Gauntlet:

1)


Personally I think the only funny thing Mike Meyers ever said was "She stole my heart... and my cat." And okay, I laughed a little at Goldmember, but only because I was high.* But this, the third Shrek movie is so incredibly awful I don't even want to talk about it. All I can say is that I'm very disappointed in Justin Timberlake, Amy Sedaris, and Amy Poehler. I expect this kind of thing from Cheri Oteri and Julie Andrews, but come on guys… PS, Eddie Murphy reached a new low. Donkey is so not funny. So not funny.

2)


Because I’m mature, I won’t make any weed-related jokes about this movie and instead focus on how shocked I am that a film with both Fran Drescher and Andy Dick could be so disappointing. In this blatant Finding Nemo knockoff, which I think is actually called Shark Bait in America, Evan Rachel Wood (who is not Rachael Leigh Cook) and Freddie Prinze Jr. team up for what can only be described as STINKY FISH BULLSHIT. I actually couldn’t keep watching this thing and ended up talking to the annoying Canadian for like 45 minutes. I’m still pissed about it.

3)


And finally, because one dose of Cameron Diaz is never enough, the only non-animated film of the evening: In Her Shoes, where Cameron plays, get this, a slow reader! And a slut. And Toni Collette plays a fatty who no one loves. And Shirley MacLaine plays a sassy grandma. Obviously Hollywood has been huffing gas and no longer has any imagination. I actually kind of liked this movie, mostly because Mark Feuerstein is totally dreamy. (Remember when he was bi in Ally McBeal!) Unfortunately about halfway through, it stopped being about shoes and started being about sisters and emotions and shit. It was basically like watching a 2 hour episode of Sex and the City, but not as tacky.

Long story short, I didn't die in France and it feels good to be back in the real South. Just in time for hurricane season. Just don't ask me to work on your farm, cuz I'm not gonna!

*On life. Duh.